How do you know when you're old?

My rude little sister emailed me the other day about this blog. I believe her comments were along the lines of:
"How many quotes on a person's blogsite along the lines of 'does
that mean I'm showing my age/ getting old' does it take before it proves
that they really are getting old??? ;-)"
So I got to thinking. How do you know when you're getting old? Actually, how do you know you're grown-up? Or middle aged? or Old? Or do we ever really hit any of these things completely or are they just a construct? In fact, if films like The Sixth Sense or The Others (Oops - hope you've seen them, otherwise I'm about to spoil the twists for you!) sometimes people don't even know when they've died!
Some milestones are pretty easy to pick. Some are a bit harder. Some cultures have proper rites of passage that signify when you pass from one stage of life to another, but ours tends to leave things a bit open.
Anyway, along these lines, I thought I'd construct my own little guide to where you are in life, and what milestones you can expect if you are younger than me, and what I'm looking forward to (or dreading) coming up. You'll also notice I've taken it upon myself to invent a few new categories, but since it's my scale I've given myself (very generously, I think) poetic license with these things. So here we go - in somewhat chronological order.
Baby: OK, this one's easy. When you're born you're a baby.
Toddler: Since the verb "to toddle" refers to walking, if somewhat precariously, I'm designating toddler-ship as starting when attempts at walking being. Also coincides with other developmental stuff like learning to talk and eat proper food.
Little Kid: Walking, talking, going to school, but still allowed to take naps after lunch, and school often involves, such delights as "playtime" "sitting on the mat having a story told", and spending time in the sandbox.
Kid: Going to school. Discovering the delights of social society such as bullies, not being in the "cool crowd". School actually involves sitting at a desk and the 3-Rs.
Bigger Kid: Owning a bike. No question. Life becomes a new game altogether once you get your first bike.
Back to the bottom of the food chain: I really don't think enough has been said on this difficult period of life. The catalyst, of course is going from the top of the food chain in primary school to the bottom of the ladder in the much bigger pond (ouch, apologies for the 3 horribly mixed metaphors in one sentence!) that is high-school.
Teenager (official): Turning 13
Teenager (truly): Discovering that boys (or girls) are more than just carriers of boy(/girl) germs.
Young Lady / Gentleman: Somewhere around the first formal function.
Student: Uni, but only if commenced within a certain period after finishing high-school. Usually straight afterwards, but allowances can be made for gap years/exchange students. Funny how that those attending high-school are called "high-school students", but "students" seems to automatically imply university. Other indicators are such related activities as discovering the uni bar, actually being allowed into pubs, living in shared accommodation, and staying up all night finishing an assignment that you've only not done because you were too busy hanging out at the uni bar.
Pretend Grown-up: This is kind of like a grown-up, but more for that period just after uni when you've left because you've finished your degree but still don't know what you want to do with your life. Involves getting a day job that doesn't involved carrying any type of food or beverage. Also discovering the joys of having a full-time salary.
Real Grown-up: Hmm. Not sure that I've entirely hit this point yet, but here are a few things that make me think I might be getting there - I make my bed every morning. I am not considering leaving the company I work for just a little while longer because then I'll qualify for long service leave. I've made career choices rather than changed jobs. I've hired someone and threatened to fire someone. My house is clean most of the time because I just keep it that way. I can't remember the last time I went to a night-club. I went to the pub last weekend and asked if they could turn the music down. I have my car serviced regularly (and I own it outright!). I have 2 mortgages (eek!). I do my tax on time (mostly). I know the difference between a shiraz and a merlot without having to read the label. I always brush my teeth and clean and moisturise my face before going to bed. Oh dear. The evidence seems to be mounting. On the other hand, I still don't really get the make-up thing, I rarely iron, and I still watch Video Smash Hits or Rage every weekend morning.
Getting Old: I may have hit a couple of these things, but I don't think I'm quite there yet. I do have a podiatrist, but I'm not yet at the point of arthritis. I don't have any grey hair (I think being naturally quite blonde helps in that department). I don't have any wrinkles (I don't think so, anyway. Although now I've typed that I'm considering going to the bathroom to check before posting in case I'm kidding myself about this one). I'm still ambitious with my career instead of craving a sea-change.
Old: I actually think this one might be a bit of fun when I get there. I'm planning on being a cantankerous old person. Preferably with a bit spooky house and lots of cats. I'm going to take great pleasure in confiscating any wayward balls hit over the fence by neighbouring children, and will bargain incessantly with the checkout staff at the grocery store, greengrocer, bakery, local craft store....He He. Looking forward to that indeed. **rubs hands together and smiles gleefully**

So there you have it. Lifestyle milestones according to Jacki. Have I missed anything important?
If so, let me know. Otherwise, I'm signing off. I feeling a little tired. Must be about time for my nap....

J.